made in america: a 10-step plan

in a speech earlier today, president obama said, "We should be known for creating and selling products all over the world that are stamped with three proud words: Made in America." (osawatomie, kansas)

may i offer obama a simple 10-step plan for accomplishing his goal:

1) severely tax the rich in order to de-incentivize people from making money and producing things (take at least 40% of their income)

2) cultivate a national culture of hate towards wealth and success

3) demonize all bankers (regardless if they are innocent and work very hard) merely because a handful of bankers act inappropriately (this is key—an economy cannot create jobs with functioning banks—there should be a precedent where no banks can loan money)

4) de-incentivize the work force by offering them welfare and other pay-outs for not working. this will make them strive to work more and produce things.

5) pass government regulations that make it difficult for corporations to offer jobs, distribute products, and do business in general

6) put politicians in charge of large industries in which they’ve never worked and of which they have no understanding (preferably over core industries such as auto, healthcare, banking, and energy)

7) elect a president who has never held a private-industry job and has never hired or employed anyone (this too is key. the less experienced the president is in the job market, the greater the chances of him helping the job market. i can’t remember the name of it exactly, but this is one of the fundamental theories of economics…it’s something like “the rookie president theory”)

8) hold college professors, actors, and other people who have never worked a “real-job” in the highest esteem—take their advice on all matters

9) place the government in charge of all levels of education (kindergarten - college) so that politicians and bureaucrats can socially engineer people to “understand” that the government is the most important (and only trusted) institution in the nation. to increase national production, it is essential that people believe wal-mart (who sells discount shampoo and toothpaste) is out to harm them, BUT the government (who has guns and takes their money) is merely trying to help them.

10)  bankrupt the country.
(this could possibly be the most important step, so don’t make it a half-ass attempt at bankruptcy…i mean sink the national debt in the trillions. TRILLIONS.)

occupy miami beach

it’s sad to see all of the confused wall street protesters protesting for a system that basically already exists...when there are so many wrongs to right in the world. they’re begging for the rich to pay taxes in an economy where the rich already pay the majority share of taxes. they’re begging for the government to regulate banks and businesses in an economy where the government already heavily regulates banks and businesses. they are begging the government to provide welfare to a population that already receives too much welfare. i grew up in a sub-culture of rebels that protested “the man” only to now live with a generation of followers that protest *for* the man.

if any wall street protesters are reading this, i can assure you, the coolest thing about being young is not camping out along some decaying urban street begging the government to cap the pay of a few rich bankers and begging congress to hook you up with a little government cheese/forgiven debts. the coolest thing about being young is staying up all night with your friends, finding new bands and listening to these bands on your radio’s top volume, chasing a new crush, sleeping on the beach at night knowing you will be hot, miserable, and poorly rested when the sun rises long before you planned to be awake, surfing until the rash on your stomach is so painful that you can no longer see in color, owning one pair of shoes and a few thrift store tshirts that you periodically find a way to clean even though you don’t know how to wash clothes, finding a way to pay your rent with no money, finding a way to build a website for your band with no money, finding a way to take previously mentioned crush on a date with no money, and writing a screenplay that will most likely never be finished.

most importantly if you want to refuse to acknowledge or succumb to the adult world for as long as you can, this is awesome. i managed to pull this off for almost 10 years. but if this is your path, do it in style and ignore adult life completely. don’t mope around wall street lobbying the government to grant you your adulthood because you don’t have the skillz to obtain it yourself. and don’t cry jealously at some miserably rich banker. it makes him look like the hero and you the fool, when you know the opposite is true. to stand on wall street is to bow to adulthood instead of conquering it. it is to profess to the world that you have no ability to stand on your own two feet.

to put it in even simpler terms: responsibility is just around the corner, one day you will have to get a job, so take this time to be irresponsible—not stupid. hanging out in the sand with a bunch of hipsters in south miami beach with no job not caring about wall street listening to the helios choir– irresponsible. hanging out in a mob of losers on wall street begging bankers and politicians to pay attention to your poorly defined cause – stupid.